Today – the word ‘spiritual’ has become amorphous enough to have lost most of its meaning. Not to say it’s meaningless! Just to mean that it now covers a wide enough conceptual range that it becomes difficult to infer anything too much based off the word alone. The spectrum is too wide. So, in effect, it reduces the phrase ‘spiritual friendship’ to mean ‘right friendship,’ in the similar way that the modifier ‘right’ is applied to the words of the eight-fold path, as presented in Buddhist practice and understanding.
Bhante, kalyanamitrata – Buddhist conceptions of spiritual friendship. Not a guru. But a learned friend who is able to offer insight and guidance upon the path of life. Many different religions have parallels to this, but what I like about the Buddhist form is the distinct lack of hierarchy involved with these relationships. This is the best way to spread good practice throughout the world; us being lights unto one another, as both Jesus and the Buddha – and I’m sure many more wise people – have said.
It sometimes feels hard for spiritual thought and conversation to get a word in edge-wise in our hyper-consumerist society; most of the daily messaging anyone receives are ads or other entities trying to capture attention. There are some great efforts to ride this wave – many apps for instance that offer to teach people how to meditate. However, these are all one way relationships and attempts to mass-market will never fit as well or be as beneficial as real relationships. In many ways, there is a sense of role-modelling – again, not just a one-way transaction between friends, but the celebrity status and distance of the makers of apps and writers of books can sometimes become a hindrance to one’s understanding; the cycle of idealization and subsequent disillusionment that comes along with understanding people more as figures and not having real relationships with them..
The rise of people going to psychologists and counsellors seems to be inversely correlated to the number of relationships they have with spiritual friends. Helping to develop that sense of well-being and offering perspective and guidance to the other is a primary function. It almost saddens me that so many have to pay money to get good sounding boards and a listening ear while they reflect upon and try to work out some of their problems – it is certainly far superior to having no one to talk to, and many, many therapists, counselors and psychologists do great work and are very invested in the outcomes and well-being of their clients. But that’s just it – the reduction of a relationship to a client / provider is, in itself, diminishing, to a certain extent, and limiting.
Most of us do our best to be good sounding boards for our friends, offer advice when asked that is not self-serving, listen compassionately to each others’ struggles, and offer the best perspective that we have. Wisdom is always the bottleneck. The best way to develop more is to spend time outside of our own cyclical wants and offer ourselves, our attention and attempts at wisdom, to others. Reinforcing good habits and behaviours that are sustainable and will last a person for the long run.
Ours is a land of many movements. We are experiencing increased tensions and volatility around the globe, and most people suffer from expanding demands from work, and building pressures upon their time, particularly when they are raising children, as many of us do. Business is hyper-competitive, and evenings to spend with family shrink as our work days become longer. The environment and social justice and wellbeing are becoming increasingly focused on, however anxiety, depression and despair are growing trends. There is more cognitive surplus than ever in our world, and yet so much of that time ends up being devoted to relatively meaningless pursuits. The current age has reduced many structures of meaning essentially to rubble; organized religion is out, nationalism has been seen to leave much to be desired. There are very few unifying sources of meaning these days – we have more ways than ever to connect, but more and more people are feeling disconnected. It is easier than ever to venture off on your own and make your own way – tools to self educate are everywhere, often free – even many university-level courses are free (assuming you are ok to not earn credits). Knowledge is everywhere for the grasping. And yet, community is fractured, and lacking. Many people don’t even know their neighbours anymore. And perhaps that is not due to lack of desire, but mainly lack of time as the pressures of life are making demands from every angle.
What can you do to help foster a sense of community in your location? What are the qualities a good role model should have? What can you do to help people, care about them, care for them, even if you don’t have all of those?
Thich Nhat Hanh, as always, has loads to say about this and offers some beautiful perspective and practices, if you are feeling stuck or are curious to learn more. Being present, deep listening, expressing ourselves honestly and sincerely, exhibiting patience, compassion. Simple words, life-long practices. Expressed slightly differently – treating others well, putting yourself in their shoes, making a sincere effort to understand what they may be experiencing. Honouring feelings.
The world needs more good friendships.