I recently provided an answer to this question on Quora:
Can someone have low self-esteem while also being self-centered? If so, what usually causes this?
Too much concern about one’s self inevitably leads to low self-esteem. Being self-centered usually involves checking yourself against others repeatedly. Self-centered people may verbalize the times where they check themselves against someone else and feel superior, but they are still left with the many many times they check themselves against others and are left feeling inferior. They haven’t learned the trick to free themselves of this cycle, which is to spend more time being concerned for others, and checking themselves against themselves.
It’s almost paradoxical, but makes a perfect amount of sense: when you check yourself against the person you were yesterday, if you make efforts in your practice, you are almost certain to notice some improvement. This sense of improving leads to positive self-esteem. Any areas where you feel you fell short become further items to work on, within your control. That is very important. When you compare yourself to others, the tendency is to notice first the things that are outside of your control, and not the items that you can work on developing yourself. E.g. you see someone successful, and don’t think of all of the things they personally did to achieve that success, but rather the context in which they grew – rich parents, or whatever, that are completely outside of your control, which leaves you feeling powerless. So that’s one dynamic.
The other is being more concerned for the well-being of others. There’s all kinds of explanations for the benefits of this, but the two most important I think are:
– going back to Kant’s Maxims – if everyone is self-centered, no one helps each other – no one helps you. If everyone is concerns for the well-being of others, everyone helps each other, and people will help you. Of course, nothing is as binary as that, but which system would you rather contribute your actions towards cultivating?
And maybe more relevant on a directly personal level, if you do something for the sake of helping someone else, the outcome is almost irrelevant – you still feel good about your efforts and whatever small impact you may have had. That increases feelings of agency, leading to higher self-esteem. If you are only focused on improving your self, then the outcome is highly relevant, and very often overshadows the importance of effort. If your self-esteem is rooted in outcome, it is fragile. If it is rooted in effort, it is strong, because one of those things you have direct control over. The other, you don’t.