Some great points and considerations in here. He provides a solid, workable framework. Especially powerful when combined with a strong breathing practice; the breathing can help us stay centered and not overly reacting to our thoughts and feelings, while the framework can provide some sense of guidance as to how to move forward.
How to Deal with Conflict Effectively – Robert Bateman
The process he outlines is simple, but definitely can be a challenge in the moment, depending on how much practice at it you have.
Here’s his three steps:
1. Processing your feelings
2. Rationalizing your thoughts
3. Gaining control of your feelings
Processing your feelings:
He notes our emotions have the power to ruin any interaction if they are not harnessed appropriately. He suggests accepting how you feel during confrontations, and focusing on your senses. Accepting, not suppressing. His method:
1. Pause and pay attention
2. Recognize what’s happening inside
3. Accept it
Rationalizing your thinking:
Good quote from Robert Wright: “Natural selection didn’t design your mind to see the world clearly; it designed your mind to have perceptions and beliefs that would help take care of your genes.”
Most of our survival instincts are wired into the amygdala and were developed during prehistory, but struggle to translate into effective tools for the modern world.
Key point from Robert: Your feelings are valid – they are most often the ‘correct’ response to your thoughts…but that doesn’t mean your thoughts are accurate!
He suggests identifying your anxious thoughts, identifying your angry thoughts and challenging your beliefs – identify which of the above are irrational. His method:
1. Listen carefully to your thoughts
2. Ask yourself if they really reflect reality
3. Check if this makes you feel any different
Gain Control of your behavior:
He references Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne, who believes you can learn strong insights about people by observing how they interacted with others, beyond just asking them questions in dialogue. He posits that we tend to operate in one of three ‘ego states’ – Parent, Adult, and Child.
In the parent state, we behave in the way we observed authority figures behave when we were growing up, typically using words like ‘always’ and ‘never,’ or ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ and we might react to being shouted at by shouting back.
In the adult state, we behave in a rational and measured way.
In the child state, we behave in the way we learned to as children, tending to use language like ‘I must’ or ‘I won’t’, or ‘I hate’ or ‘I love.’
These states are dynamic and we can flow through them multiple times in one conversation. Each has its features; this is not a ‘one-is-best’ model. Adult communication tends to be the best to facilitate resolving conflict, but they all have their places and purposes. Learning to see our actions and behaviors through the lens of this model can be quite insightful. Identifying the mode of the other person and responding accordingly is effective. He suggests:
1. Take note of your behavior – your words, body language and tone
2. Observe the other person’s behavior
3. Adjust your behavior accordingly
Putting it all into practice:
Irrational thoughts never completely subside; we will never transform all of our anxiety or our anger. Perfection isn’t important. How we manage these processes / our selves is what is important. He closes by suggesting:
1. Turn your attention to how you’re feeling. Pause and pay attention. Accept it
2. Notice and challenge any irrational thinking that arises. Consider the beliefs that you are acting on and whether they are really true
3. Be aware of how you and everyone else is acting, and adjust your behavior accordingly. Are you acting from a child, parent, or adult state? Is that the most effective state to act from ?
He closes with a passage worth reflecting on:
‘So much of what’s important in life depends on coping with difficult situations effectively. Once you become the expert on how you feel, think and act in such situations, you can develop a strategy to get the outcomes you want.’